3 Ways to Say ‘No’ When the World Expects A ‘Yes’

We have all been groomed to believe that we must say ‘yes’ to every ask of us. The knee-jerk reaction from most people when asked “why don’t you just say ‘no’?” is “that would be rude of me”. We have allowed saying ‘yes’ to become both a reflection on ourselves and a measurement of our success. How many special projects can we take on? How many friends we can do favors for? How many balls we can keep juggling at a time without dropping any? The reality is, saying ‘yes’ to every ask shows a huge lack of self-respect and boundaries for your own personal self. We are all guilty of this. Mostly because no one ever taught us ways to say no when the world always expects a yes from us. Well, I’ve got you covered with 3 great ways to get that message across to others without being ‘rude’.

You worry…

You worry that if you say no, you will be viewed as difficult or not a team (or family) player. Know this is just a story you are telling yourself based on years of bad messaging and built-in self-judgement. It is not true!

The reality is, learning how to say ‘no’ more often when the world expects a ‘yes’ from you is a super healthy and a sure-fire way to reduce some of the constant, unabating stress in your life!

Let me ask you this: How does it make you feel inside when you say ‘yes’ to something you really would have rather (and should have) said ‘no’ to? Taken advantage of? Like the other person’s doormat? A little resentful? Careful, your martyrdom is showing! Seriously, this builds up inside of you as stress and dis-satisfaction, and ultimately impacts your well-being and happiness (and the happiness of those around you).

Let’s start of with why this is so dang important.

Why it matters – and what saying no actually is.

Learning to say “No” is actually about respecting yourself enough to set healthy boundaries. I love what Brene Brown says about boundaries: “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.” Powerful stuff!

What happens if you put your own oxygen mask on first? You are able to help those around you put theirs on. Boundaries also allow you to express to others where you end, and the other person begins. It lays out in clear language what is acceptable and what is not.

What’s more is, boundaries are a two-way street. It begins with a conversation, and it ends with an understanding. Boundaries allow you to continue to thrive without adding additional stress and pressure to your life. Now let’s get started.

Don’t say ‘no’.

I get that sounds counter-productive to this entire concept of saying no, but, hear me out. This is about diplomacy, office politics and being good to yourself. When someone has an ask of you, before you say yes, consider the impact the request will have on you BEFORE you answer. Will it take you away from something that you are already committed to? What sort of impact will it have on your free time? Will it keep you from planned recreation or family? Or from time that you need to fill your own self-care energy tank? Or worse yet, finishing your own work?

In any situation, there are many ways you can say ‘no’ without actually declining the request. “I’m not sure I can give you a commitment on that right now. If you’d like to check back in a couple weeks and see if my scheduled has lightened up, I might be able to help you then.” Or “I would love to support you in this. However, I’ve another project that is eating up my available time so I will need to take a pass.”

See? You didn’t say no. You said not now.

Say Nothing.

You are in a team meeting and your boss has a new project he is looking for a volunteer to spearhead. His eyes are burrowing into you, and you know he is expecting you to raise your hand and take on this monumental new project. He is looking at you to lead it because he knows you always say yes.

As much as you would love to take it on, you have been down this project road before and know it isn’t going to do anything to move your career forward with the company. It will also add a huge amount of time to your workday when you would rather be spending that time with your family or doing something that will advance your career.

In this situation, unless your boss specifically calls you out, say nothing. If he is truly looking for a volunteer to lead the project, then he will wait for someone to step up. Just keep quiet. Say nothing.

Should he call you out and ask you to volunteer, there’s a couple of ways you can approach this. “I’d love to boss, but I’d like to take a supporting role and let someone else take the lead on this one” or “I’d love to lead this project yet know I would be doing it a dis-service as it would be more than I can handle at this time.” Both excellent and very diplomatic passes.

Clearly define your boundary

Sometimes a conversation must be had to set clear boundaries. Again, what is acceptable and what is not.

We all have that friend who expects you to drop everything and be available when they call. They always call when you are in the middle of something and get miffed when you are not available to them.

Have a conversation clearly explaining that you are not always available in the moment, and you will call them back when you can give them your undivided attention (or it is more convenient for you). By stating this, you are setting a boundary and sharing what is acceptable and what is not.

I get setting a boundary is a hard thing for anyone to do – THE FIRST TIME. Yet, by far it is the most impactful and game-changing in a person’s life because it truly works. What is more, those with firm boundaries are some of the happiest people out there. You know, the ones you think “I want what they have”? Yes, they have firm boundaries. And their super happy and rarely stressed. That is power stuff and I’ll drink that Cool-Aid any day!

Once you have that first difficult conversation laying down a boundary with someone, you will find it is easier and easier to set boundaries moving forward.

At the end of the day, being super clear on what your boundaries are and respecting them will give you bandwidth to say ‘no’ when the world wants you to say ‘yes’. You will be able to say ‘no’ with confidence and sleep better at night while enjoying more peace in your waking hours. That sure sounds like a win-win to me.

BEFORE YOU GO

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Are you a high performer who can’t say no and fears burnout? I love to coach high performers through the process of learning how to set boundaries and navigate the challenges of being a high achiever WITHOUT burning out. Coaching provides you with an outside perspective, someone to hold you accountable to your goals and get you to the finish line quicker – an advocate for your success. Let’s chat for 30 minutes on my dime and see if we are a good match to work together on your journey.

And if you (or someone you know & love) are anything like I was and would rather be more like what I have become – someone who wants to do great things in your career while still loving your life – I invite you to hop on over to my website and take a look around.  Then let’s stay in touch!